Pain

Depending on the world around you to make you happy can be one of the most dangerous decisions in your entire life. Sometimes I wish I could be alone for a little while, just me and my thoughts. I tried this in my room tonght. I sat on the floor with my guitar and closed my eyes. I listened closely to the beautiful sounds that came from the stings, I wished that the music would fill me. Go in through my pores and become part of me, life me up and away from the world. From the saddness and the horrors and worries. But soon enough, I came down from my music high, and found that I was laying on the floor beside my guitar, crying into the night. I cried into my empty house, maybe my cries would break the walls of this broken home. Maybe when the walls came down and this haunted house collapsed it would take me with it, I would just collapse and disappear into nothing. I miss my best friend Kyle, I miss him because he was all that I had left that understand. I miss looking in the mirror and smiling at the girl that stared back at me. I miss telling people that I am happy and genuinly meaning. I wish things could be the way that they were before.
Pain is like a broken arm.
At first it hurts all of the time, theres this constant aching feeling, you can't elude the pain that radiats off of you. You wish so much for it to just go away, heal faster. But it won't.
But over time the arm heals, to the point where it only hurts when someone touches it. You can go days without feeling any drop of pain, and then someone bumps into you and you start to ache again. For a short period of time you get the sharpest pain, and you wonder why in the world this hasn't gone away. But eventually the pain slips away.
That broken arm may cripple you for a while, it makes you more careful, it tells you to take every step with caution.
But eventually, when that cast finally comes off of you your arm is strong again. Everything is better. And you learn a lesson.
Don't worry, to all you fellow bloggers out there, you will be strong again, don't give up yet.

things that make me happy

Here are some things that I love most about life.
1. When you wake up naturally on a saturday morning, when your peaceful world of dream isn't interrupted by the screetching echoes of a monsterous alarm clock. No, when you wake up naturally it's like your body allows you to slowly come out of it's dream. Little by little you become aware of the things that surround you. First, you notice the bed you're in. You notice how safe and calm you feel underneath the warm covers and the comfortable bed. I love to wake up in the morning and turn around and around in my bed, because I love the way those warm sheets feel on my skin. Then you notice the beautiful day awaiting you. The sun is peaking through the blinds, filling in every gap that it can find, but the light is so powerful that it illuminates the entire room. You stare out at that beautiful blue sky and smile because you already know that today is going to be a wonderful day. Your body is rested, you're safe and warm, and you're noticing the beautiful day around you. That's my favorite.
2. I love it when i'm walking down the street to meet my best friends, and I see them in the distance walking towards me. They smile and then laugh at the awkwardness of seeing eachother before we can hear eachother. But that doesn't matter, because I know that they are my best friend, and when we finally can hear eachother, we'll make our days, we will laugh at nothing and develope another inside joke with each step that we take. I love my friends :).
3. My favorite is tucking my baby brother and sister into bed. Their hands are so small. Their little hands wrapped around my finger, and then the world is so quiet. They're so innocent. They have nothing in the world to worry over yet, nothing to regret, no mistakes to feel guilty over. And at this very moment, they're in the most peaceful sleep then they will ever be in in their entire lives. And at that moment, is also when I know I will go to the ends of the earth for them to stay that innocent, that free. I'd give all I have honey, for you to stay like that.
4. Turning up the music in my room and dancing around and around, using the most embarrassing dance moves that you could ever possibly lay eyes on. But I don't care, because when i'm dancing around my room I feel so free and happy.
These are just a few things that I love about life. As you can tell, they're small things. Nothing that is too life altering. Just little moments that I happen to notice and remember with all my heart. Think about the little moments in your life that make you feel so overwhelming happy. If you do this, then you will ALWAYS find a reason that life is forever worth living. Because when you take a step back and look at the big picture of it all, there are a million of them.

Dear Elle

Sometimes I get ashamed.
No one really knows what it's like. Here, let me describe it to you.
Why yes, i'm one of those freaky chicks who likes to shove her finger down her throat to cope with the unforgiving place this world calls "life."
How do I do this you may ask?
I'll tell you how.
Because while I am locked behind the bathroom door with my finger down my throat and my body leaning on the toilet I can hear the muffled screams of my family from behind the wall.
So this is what I do.
It's my dirty little secret.
What makes it so sick, is how good it feels.
They tell you about how it makes you skinny, they never warn you about how addicting it is.
The truth is, I will fall out over the toilet like a rag doll and shove my finger, a toothbrsuh, whatever the hell I can find down my throat. Again and again i push it down. It hurts so much! My body always fights to hang onto the one thing i don't want it to have. Theres a pressure that builds up behind my skull. Like a weight thats resting on my face. My skin burns and itches. The blood rushes to my head. The muscles in my neck hurt. My stomach is being punched by an invisible force. But it feels good!
How sick does that make me sound? That I LOVE the way it feels when my body is dying, fighting, hanging on a string.
What can I say, i'm a sick human being.
When i'm done I flush the toilet.
They never tell you in the magazine how gross throwing up your food is.
Like, that the vomit gets EVERYWHERE!
By the time you're done, it's down your chin, it's all up and down the arm you used as the weapon against food. It's in your hair if you don't hold it back right. It's all over the toilet bowl.
It's rather disgusting when you think about it.
But really, in that precise moment, you aren't thinking about that. All that you're doing is leaning your dead weight against the cold wall and holding yourself, rocking yourself back and forth and crying into your jeans. You know that you need help. But who will help you? Do you hear the angry muffled screams behind that wall, thats supposed to be your support system in this battle? They're not there. All you can think about is who would you dare burden with this dark secret?
You get up and look at your reflection. Broken.
Your face is red from the pressure, your eyes are bloodshot. You're sweaty. The veins in your neck are popping out, bright blue againt your reddened skin. Your neck is swollen. Your mascera is running down your face, your hair is a mess. They never tell you this in the magazines either.
And in that moment, looking at yourself in the mirror, is the first time you realize how pathetic you've aloud yourself to become. And then you bury your face in your hands and you scream "you're such a coward!" Because that's what you are. A coward, who hides behind an eating disorder and a scale instead of facing her problems.
The truth is, it's the only way I know how to tell people that i'm angry with them. That i'm sad. That i'm reaching my hand out for someone to grab it, but it remains untouched. Attached, is a thin frail girl, who is drowning. The world standing at the edge of the boat watching.
But i don't want this.
Not for one more day.
I'm tired of being empty, of being hungry. I miss being strong and tough. I miss not needing anyone to lean on but myself. I don't want to be sick anymore. And I will not waste one more day of my life with it.
And thats when you look in the mirror and smile.
Because you know that you've just freed yourself.
You know that you will be okay.
So don't give up hope now.
You don't want to be hungry and always smell like vomit forever do you?
No.
Thats when you know that you're stronger then you've ever given yourself credit for.
And then you go downstairs and get a bowl of cereal from the pantry, you intend to keep it down this time. And you eat it slowly, this is the first time in a long time that your mind has aloud you to eat. Food tastes good, you're so hungry!
And then you find your family.
They're still screaming at eachother.
But you walk into the room smiling.
Why?
Because you realize that they're doing the best that they can right now. They love you with all their hearts, but they're only human and they can't be perfect.
Then you walk around the room and hug every person, embracing their warmth. You hold them each for a while. They don't know what you do, they don't know that you just realized that you love them, that you just freed yourself from a death sentence, they don't know that for the first time since the day you were diagnosed with anorexia 5 years ago you feel happy. But it works, because the screaming stops. And they hug you back.
Everything will be okay, it will always be okay.

Blind

I wonder what it would be like to be blind. Forever trapped in lasting world of darkness. Shut away from the world.
But lets think about this more shall we?
A blind person doesn't see the world, they feel it.
Can you imagine what it would be like to lay next to your lover and purely feel their body? Every little crease and indent. Not looking at them. Not seeing the little flaws, just feeling them, their body. Can you hear it living? Can you hear their heart beating? Can you feel them breathe?
Can you imagine not knowing what you look like? Theres no such thing as looking the mirror and going the rest of your day feeling worthless and ashamed because of the person that stared back at you through the glass. Can you imagine what it would be like to never be physically self conscious of yourself? We are, after all, our own worst enemies.
Can you imagine not judging the world? The sweet man that came up to you this morning and said you were beautiful, why not have a cup of coffee with him? Who cares if he's the ugliest thing in the world, because you honestly can't see that. You can't see his flaws, you can just feel his heartbeat when he holds you in his arms. The way he looks doesn't matter, because you can't see him, you can only feel him, the way he's good to you. The way he will always be good to you. How many more friends would you have if you didn't judge them based on the way they looked in that little black dress or the green polo? Can you imagine not seeing the world for what it looks like, but for what it is?
Sometimes I think that the world would be better off blind.